i promise this post is not short. there will not be any picture.
this guy in the video above is called MINHUA.. idk who he is at all. chance upon his video after my friend shared it on facebook.. honestly, im not paying attention to his video at all. but idk why, but when at 2:58 tt part there, i click the wrong tab and i saw him smiling. fate? my heart sank. how can anyone's smile look exactly like his?
i rewind the video and watched it again. he smiled a couple of times. i covered his eyes and nose, leaving behind his smile. his smile is almost the same as M's. hence, for the past few night, i watched the video before i slp. yes, im mad. i admit my heart still race for him.
even just now on channel5, mission impossible. when the lady called "matthew", i stopped wadever im doing and turned my head.. idk wad am i expecting also. not like as if he's standing outing my house..
can i start my story from really the start?
this guy, im all ready to spend my remaining life with, left couple of years back. tt year when im in sec2, december15, he left. should i agree to go with him, how will my life be now?
after his departure, we emailed each other almost everyday. till whatsapp comes along. wadever app there is to connect me to people in another country, i will dwl. den i will tell him, and then we will try the app out! like LINE and some other ulu ulu apps la.
but now, even seeing ur name popping up in my phone is a torture. it took me every ounce of energy to ignore his whatsapp. sometimes, i gave in and replied. to think i still smile over those whatsapp.
these few nights, i reread all the msges. i almost died from all those memories. i plucked up my courage and deleted them all. the moment i touch "delete" i regretted.
tt night when i received the picture of him and her, i broke down. he used to be my pillar, but he left, my world collapse. very exaggerating but i really felt damn helpless den. i couldnt stop those tears of mine. even previous break up didnt cause such tears.
thanks sweetheart for accompanying me tt night. during the weekends, ben and zx bookout. the moment i see them, i couldnt hold my tears any longer again.
subsequents night, my steadyANNCHEE chatted w me through sms.. and when she says smth like "i know you very sad. i can see from ur sms" i cried even harder.
i even hoped tt it was their plan to trick me so as to surprise me. but then, their faces tell me otherwise. then suddenly, everything seemed so real.
idk how i survived school, but one week passed.
then the 2nd week, ben told me another T___T news. i rmb vividly i was on the way to driving. i received his call. my mind went blank. idk how to react to the new information. too much for me to handle. den driving, i couldnt concentrate at all. i barged the red light. should thr be any incoming car, i would have died. but now, im no different from a dead person anyway. in case you wan to know, matthew is becoming a daddy. but im not his kid's mummy. *even typing this sentence, i wan cry*
after my driving, ben brought me for a spin! thanks armyboy! i sat beside him, he damn drama mama. he say wan cry jiu cry dun geng. then i burst out laughing. then, i alrdy no more tears to cry. this guy here is really great. always there for me. any girls want? if not, im keeping for myself. dun bear to give him to another girl lor.
not only do i mind him being daddy, i mind that he didnt tell me personally too.
to forget him, impossible, i still wants the memories. not unless i lose my memory.
to stop loving him, impossible for now.
idk if there is love bet them, it's ok. it's nt the determining factor. i know him, he is responsible. he wun shrink responsibility. tt's my boy. im proud of him for tt. but im only an ordinary person. im selfish too. a part of me wants him to ditch every single responsibility. i wan him to take me away. anywhr. as long as im able to be w him, im fine.
weeks passed, im still trying hard to forget. ben says it's hard. friends say it's not worth. but how can i control my heart?
but im trying really hard now, i promise. if i made it there and the next guy tt appear in my life, i swear im gg to love him sincerely. im going to be honest w him about matthew. i will say he is in my heart, but he is just a friend. a friend tt im prolly not gg to depend on anymore.
for now, im not ready to give them my blessing yet.
When I close my eyes I think of you
And the times we've had been through
Even though we're far apart right now
I remember back when you were here with me
How you've made my world complete
But now I'm left alone
We talked about love and hope
Wishing we could start a life our own
I wish that I could live without you
# Why did you tear my heart apart
You said you'd love me from the start
All those painful things you've put me through
But I'm still loving you
I've tried to give my best to you
I don't deserve the things you do
Everything has gone to memories
I just wish I knew the truth behind the lies
im done ranting. dont judge me. this is my lifestory. idk how i survived tt few weeks. but i did. at the lowest point of my life, im glad i have all those friends tt kept by my side. im willing to type all these out should show tt im recovering well, i guess. but do me a favor pls, dont ask me face to face abt this or talk about it. yes by all means talk behind my back for being an attention seeker to type all these, act one devoted. it's okay. im fine w it. it's my blog wad. im not ashamed abt my life.
tell me, how many of you can relate to me? have ur love of ur life entered the other phase of life without you? if yes, pls tell me. let's cry tgt.. if not, try putting urself in my shoes pls. tyvm.